Hello err body, been gone a while again. Busy life is busy. L4D2 and PS0 has got me totally absorbed, as well as using all my energy on comissions. I'm trying to pour all my heart into them you see.

Recently the arguments I put upon myself have been increasing with a terrible tremor. My focus on my art has always been primary in my life; however, I'm getting to a point where I'm being vastly more destructive than growing.

I'm constantly comparing my work with everyone and everything around me. I'm basing my success on the internet as my success in life as a whole. In this way I've nearly become a manic depressant, with the high and lows of my art work, best from worst. This is probably the worst thing I can do to myself. I spend hours studying the works of others; examining techniques, seeing how I can improve myself. But this has come to naught.

I'm digging myself a deeper hole everytime I see the casual work of others create more of a rift than (what I feel) is my most worked on images. And with this my work has become merely that to me. Not art, just images.

I always have more story to my work, granted, but that's because I want everyone to learn or take something from it. Further thinking, if you will. I always thought, why would someone invest time in anything if they get nothing in return. I wanted everyone to recive something from the time they invest looking at my work. More recently I've been worried about how many people see my massage, rather than the message I'm trying to portray.

I've become a self loathing idiot, worried only about my skill, and not worried about my art.

The worst part being this effects my being. I'm not listening to those most important to me.

I'm being terrible to Tom.

I know I am, and I try everything in my power not to be the argumentive asshole I never was.

All I have while Tom is at work is the internet. So I thought. I'm in a new fucking country for gods sake. I don't want to be another machine worried about being the next best thing. I want to be how I was when I was younger.

I want to be better, but as a person. I want to grow, and constantly throwing myself out into a phantom like world to compare myself to strangers is not the way to go about it.

My new year's resolution is to leave all this rubbish behind and move on.
I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything, but I think writing down what I think first is the only way to go about it. To remind myself.

December 31st, 2009 will be the last day I will allow myself to sign into or visit Y! gallery, DeviantArt or any other art community I've signed up to/ belong to.

I'm really having a hard time deciding if I'm going to continue a sketchbook on Conceptart.org, as there is alot to learn from there. I see it more as a school rather than a showcase. But I might stop going there as well.

I'm going to finish the commissions that have been asked of me, and forementioned commissions from the same clients. I will be open for a short while after but will be closing sometime around early December.

I would really like to keep in touch with some of you guys and watch you progress as artists as well. If you would like to drop a link to a personal gallery (a blog or something even) that would be awesome.

Sorry for making this a really long journal, but this time I'm doing it more for myself than anyone else.

Maybe I'll come back.

That will only happen when I've learned to be happy with my art...as well as myself again.

Thank you everyone who took the time to enjoy my work and leave some very meaningfull and nice comments.